FROM THE EXPERTS | Learning How to Live With Myself: A Therapist on Cyberbullying (Part 1)
by Julie
Guido, LCSW-C
Have you encountered cyberbullying in your work?
In short, I’ve seen cyberbullying range from something as trivial as ‘that’s insulting and hurtful, but I have enough confidence to turn it off and block you’ to life-changing and devastating.
What should adults know about cyberbullying from a therapeutic perspective?
We have to be aware of the developmental level of young teens. Girls are seeking relationships and a sense of belonging. They have the ability to be quite verbal and very social in their early adolescent years. It is particularly devastating to most of them that people can be cruel.
I have found that, especially in young adolescence, it is the girls who are contacting and engaging boys online more than boys reaching out to other boys or to girls. For boys, it’s important to form relationships, but they don’t have the same advanced social skills yet. Cruelty is equally painful, but they may not feel the need to be connected or IM every five seconds, and they may not spend the same long hours communicating online as girls
Where boys typically build up the pain, and act out in a more overt way, girls are more likely to hide behind cyber walls. It’s very powerful. And it’s something of an equal opportunity thing. Girls who have always been more outgoing and outspoken can continue this in the written form, while girls who have been very shy all their lives now have this tool that lets them be anyone they want to be and act out on the bullies who have treated them badly if they choose. They can also “talk” more with boys, who they may never feel comfortable talking to face to face—which gives the more outgoing girls a run for their money in the relationship department now more than ever.
How can adults help prevent cyberbullying and minimize its impact?
Young teens lack the developmental ability to make good decisions in a lot of situations. They aren’t likely to consider the consequences, and instead are quite now-focused. We need to come up with new and different ways to keep them safe—give them the little road maps they need to make the best decisions possible.
To do that, we as parents and teachers must try to be a partner with teens in this new world. We have to learn from them a good part of the time, and take the time to let them teach us. Communication is critical.
Taking back control is a big theme with perpetrators and victims. How do we help young teenagers do that? It’s different in different circumstances. Sometimes, it may mean supporting them in firmly saying no to the bully, and then turning off the computer. In other cases, it may mean face-to-face mediation by a professional. That requires school involvement and parental support—and teens have to be strong to do that; it is a scary situation and the fallout is uncertain, as they are well aware.
What are some specific responses that you’ve seen work?
A Web-Behavior Contract
Adults must remember that we do have control. Remember, this is a luxury item; teens may need it for research or school, but it is also a privilege. In my house, we’ve created a simple contract that sets out when it’s okay to use the Internet, for how long, and what all of my kid’s pass codes are. There must be clear consequences for not following through depending on whatever the contract might state. We did this together as a family and tailored it to each age group in my home. In other words, each child in my home has their own unique contract.
Cyberbullies see themselves as anonymous entities who don’t have to be responsible for what they say, and they often don’t have to physically see the emotional and/or physical impact it has on the target person. We must teach kids at a young age that words do have meaning and those words can have huge impact on others, especially the written word without gestures and inflections of the voice to help define these meanings.
Slowing Down the Moment
Teachers and parents can host brainstorm sessions with young teens about what leads to cyberbullying, and what to look for in yourself and others. Start by helping them translate instincts and physical responses into actual feelings. Then put those feelings into words. For example, when reading an IM, a face flush means embarrassment or anger, muscle tension means anger or fear, etc. Being able to identify these physical cues that might indicate when one is getting "sucked into" a conflict can help to resolve it in some way before it gets too difficult and painful. Getting teens to think in this way as it relates to online communication would be a positive step forward.
With older teens, you take it a step further, helping them learn to ask themselves: Where am I going with this exchange? What feelings are triggered by these online responses? How do I see this ending? How do I want it to end? Do I need adult support in this one? Keep in mind we're asking teens and preteens to be introspective while looking into the future. It is possible. It just doesn't happen over night and may need to be taught.
Conflict Resolution and Intervention
Since we adults don’t have the advantage of our own childhood experience with the cyber world, we really need to either throw ourselves into becoming “book smart” about it or listen and learn to our kids who are actually living it. In this new era of cyberbullying, we adults may need to go outside of our comfort zones and actively learn where our children are technologically. Intermittently checking to see what sites they are visiting and with whom they are chatting will keep you more in touch with their world. It is equally important that our kids see that we are aware and cyber-savvy—that alone can act as a deterrent to potential cyberbullying for some teens.
Interventions for victims of cyberbullying can range from blocking the bully electronically to contacting the Webmasters of sites where threatening material is posted, to involving the school and seeking therapeutic intervention.
In addition to focusing on the victims of cyberbullying, we should also keep in mind that the perpetrators may be among our own children. Early intervention and swift consequences—typically involving taking away the technology along with efforts to help them experience empathy for the victim—are just a few ways to regain some control if your teen is engaging in any form of cyberbullying. Parents must learn to be okay with giving appropriate consequences to their children. This means allowing children and teens to learn through the discomfort of taking responsibility for inappropriate actions/behaviors that may come with their interactions with others online.
Conflict is a part of life. We need to talk openly about it and equip teens to do the same. If teens realize that they can work through difficult times, they may be more inclined to take a deep breath before acting, or to take positive steps toward a resolution rather than becoming a bully or a victim.
Kids learn best through seeing and doing (for example, interacting through an experience and role-playing potential situations), so we must spend time helping them to understand, on their level, the impact they can have on other people. This is real world stuff—and technology gives us creative tools to help kids open up to learning about these difficult situations while making them more manageable.
Part of conflict resolution means I may not be able to change the other person but this is how I can make healthy decisions toward taking care of myself and living with myself.
In the next issue: Guido shares the story of how one teen rebuilt her life after years of cyberbullying led to a diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and specific steps for working with cyberbullies.
Julie Guido, LCSW-C, is a therapist who has 15 years of experience working in middle and high schools and in private practice with children ages 6 to 18. She lives with her husband and four children in Pennsylvania.